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If you get your kicks by watching emotionally barren 3D models bump against each other's knobbly naughty bits to the sensual accompaniment of the words "Oooh", "Aaah" and "Ooooooooooh" at a variety of pitches and levels of enthusiasm, I really have no problem with that. Now, I don't want to get judgemental about this side of it. Sex in BoneCraft serves two purposes - to refill your health, and to sell the game to people who want to masturbate over their computers until they need a new keyboard. Before firing the game up, I was very willing to have fun with it as a comedy, even expecting the sex side to be cringeworthy. I finished the game to see how the campaign ended anyway, and while I won't spoil it, let's just say it completely lived down to my expectations. Even before it starts wheeling out eye-rollingly generic camp-gay elves (oddly jumping franchise to take a pop at The Legend of Zelda, as if the writers had run out of Warcraft material), any goodwill from the few genuinely funny moments had long since faded.
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Put the two things together and what could have been a funny, sex-positive comedy doesn't take long to fall flat. Even if the ladies in question are presented as both willing and easier than a post-patch Naxx, it's still deeply squicky - and hardly helped by the bonus objective "Don’t let Chicks escape". Slocombe to the early mission where the team rapes and pillages its way through an orc settlement on a search for - and I quote - "non artificial vagina". Unsurprisingly, much of the action has a depressing misogynistic tone, from the constant blather about Mrs. Though that might have been unprofessional, what with it already having been bagsied by that other Warcraft porn parody ( Very NSFW!) Honestly, there are so few, even the old "Rogues do it from behind" groaner might have helped. It gets a few sniggers, mostly thanks to the cast shamelessly and enthusiastically delivering lines like "Testicular bio-scan has detected low testosterone level, fucking me would be highly advisable", but direct gags are few and far between. You’d really have to love gawping at the sex scenes to get your $35 out of it.īetween missions, the cut-scenes tell what little story there is - and easily the most disappointing thing about BoneCraft is how quickly it loses interest in its Warcraft parody. The campaign is over almost as soon as it's started, and with no real incentive to revisit any of its levels. I think I used that once or twice, though never anything approaching tactics or more than mild caution. Your arsenal of freedom ranges from the machine gun that kills everything dead and renders everything else more or less useless to.
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(Right, ladies?) It's squad based, every level bar the last being split into three rounds with assorted objectives like capturing points and protecting Worth's devoted Sexbot from orcish attention, and a few similar things that mostly involve holding down the fire button and trying not to shout at the camera and your rubbish aiming controls.īetween missions you can upgrade your squad and equipment using money pillaged from the ground, though it's a short campaign and any deaths you suffer are more likely to be from getting chipped to death when surrounded than being unprepared.
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The action - the hack and slash action - is limp and unimpressive, but it tries hard, and that at least deserves a few points. Not that this stops him also getting balls-deep in both orc and robot flavours by the third level.Īnd know you know the plot. Slocombe in the galaxy, can satisfy his lust. Slocombe, officially the sexiest, juciest Mrs. a word I find deeply coarse and distasteful and will therefore be replacing with the far more civilised "Mrs.
![bonecraft trailer bonecraft trailer](http://cdn.d-dub.com/bonecraftcommunity/images/news/News_ElfHardWood.jpg)
You play Colonel Fort Worth, cigar-chomping, Findlay-voiced leader of a squad of Space Wranglers, on a desperate quest for. The surprising thing about BoneCraft is that it is actually a game - though confusingly that game is a single-player hack-and-slash rather than some kind of porny RPG pastiche. But reading on will be much, much safer for work. No, it's a porn parody that goes so far out of its way to flick Blizzard's nose, its developers D-Dub even hired the actor who played Tychus "You Are Hearing Mah Voice" Findlay to be its leading man.īut can it hope to provide the hottest elf-on-elf action since Teldrassil's finest introduced a shocked looking Azeroth to the Wrath of the Licking? There's only one way to find out. It's not just a World of Warcraft porn parody guest-starring cast of horny Starcraft-inspired marines. BoneCraft is a game with balls, in more ways than one.